It might feel like the end of the world right now, but your break-up really is the best thing that could’ve happened to you. Relationship expert and author Dr. Karin Anderson Abrell explains why.
It happened again! Another break-up; another heartache; another failed relationship. You can hardly believe it – haven’t you been through enough?
No question, break-ups hurt horribly. They crush our spirits, hurling us into a state of despondency, and sometimes we wonder if we’ll ever recover! Every time a relationship ends it feels as though a piece of our heart goes with it.
But there’s a silver lining! Though utterly awful at first, break-ups are actually a great thing! Here’s why…
1: You can finally stop trying so hard
Let’s get real. You knew there was trouble in paradise. Be it petty annoyances, glaring deal breakers or both, your relationship had its share of problems. But you did what we all do, you buckled down and tried to make it work. After all, ‘anything worth having is worth fighting for,’ and true love takes fortitude and grit – right?
Well, not necessarily.
True, in most realms of life, increased effort leads to increased success. We hustle and pay our dues knowing that we’ll eventually reap big rewards. So naturally, when we encounter problems in romance, we apply the same strategy. We dig in our heels and persevere, just as we’d do in anything else.
But when it comes to love, sometimes it feels like too much work because it’s not supposed to work.
So here’s why your break-up is actually a great thing – it’s released you from the futile struggle of trying to resuscitate a relationship that wasn’t meant to go the distance in the first place.
2: You can reconnect with your authentic self
Romantic relationships certainly involve a degree of compromise, but at times we find ourselves making far too many concessions. Altering our primary values, philosophies and desires in order to keep the peace or keep a partner, whittles away our core self.
Furthermore, social scientists note that the healthiest, happiest marriages consist of partners who possess similar goals, values and lifestyles[1]. In fact, marriage therapists liken a couple’s similarities to ‘money in the bank’ in that, the more we have in common with our spouse, the less we have to argue about.
Far too often, however, we go about dating with the opposite mindset. We compromise, concede, and even sell-out, hoping to become the person we believe that our partner wants us to be – and in the process, we lose ourselves.
Flying solo once again allows you to reconnect with your authentic self. You can take time to assess how and why you compromised in your last relationship and determine ways to avoid losing yourself in the future. Because remember, the whole point of dating is to ascertain if you and your partner are a good fit, as opposed to trying to become the person you think your partner wants.
3: You're now free to meet "the one"
No matter how miserable you feel now, and how badly you want to reunite with your ex, if you’re honest with yourself, you feel some relief too. Naturally, you’re a bit lonely and out of sorts, but a part of you – the healthiest part – is thankful to finally be free. Even if you were jilted and didn’t want your freedom, deep down, you know it’s for the best.
Because now you can meet the right one!
If your break-up occurred recently, you may struggle to embrace this truth. Wistful musings of what could have been – ‘Why wasn’t she ‘the one’?’ or ‘I wanted my happily ever after with him!’ – impede healing and derail recovery. When your mind strays in this direction, reel it back with powerful statements such as, ‘If she were ‘the one’, she wouldn’t have left me’ or ‘I did want happily ever after with him until I observed his unwillingness to control his anger.’ Encourage yourself with the knowledge that this relationship has left you wiser, stronger and better prepared for true love!
In the midst of heartache, try to focus on the positive by bearing in mind the following: you’re now released from trying to force a relationship that wasn’t meant to be, you have the space to reboot your authentic self and, perhaps the best part, you’re primed and positioned to meet ‘the one’.
Remember, break-ups are great, because you’re not supposed to get it right with the wrong partner!
[1] Pillemar, K. (2015). 30 Lessons for loving: Advice from the wisest Americans on love, relationships, and marriage. New York: Penguin Group
As seen on eHarmony.co.uk.com
